I've finally gotten around to posting my February poem..
For this month, I've gone for something old. I mentioned it in my last 'Joanne Here!' post, thinking I had already posted it.
Nevertheless, here it is. The Consequences of Forgetting is based upon the same person In Case You Forget, Before I Let You Go and Love Cloud are. The person that, I've grown to realise, never truly had any ties with me. We were always two separate people, with an inevitable ending. There was nothing more than that... That was it. And once I came to that realisation, I felt like a fool. A fool for thinking otherwise. A fool for believing in him... A fool for feeling anything at all.
Mainly though.. I felt like a fool for writing poems about him. Words I can't take back.. It's kind of like public humiliation that I've caused to myself. He didn't intentionally hurt me, he was just living a life that was parallel to mine. Our paths rarely crossed then, and they haven't in years since.
I think I may have been harsh at times.. And I really want you to know, I'm so sorry for that. I couldn't contain my emotions.. I couldn't allow myself to gulp back the lump in my throat. I had to let it out.
I told the world. And now they know.. But I often wonder, do you?
Do you know what you did wrong?
Once I had an argument with Trevor.. I know I keep mentioning Trevor, but mainly because he's a decent guy, regardless of what people say about him, or think of him.. I seen a different side to him, a human side. We fought about his treatment toward me, his narcissistic comments, and degrading "compliments".. And he cried. He had absolutely no idea he was upsetting me, no idea I even cared what he thought.
No idea that I could see exactly the same side of him that everyone was talking about. No idea that that side was actually real.
And that's why he cried. I often find that when people say something bad about me, no matter what it is, and I realise they're right, I cry too. It's the self-realisation. A little voice inside you, asking "How didn't I notice before?"
...Anyway, I think from that experience, you may not know that what you did was wrong.
And a part of me is furious at you.. Furious that you could think so little of me, and be so oblivious. But then, another part understands entirely.
So, as much as I feel foolish, I don't regret one word.
The Consequences of Forgetting
He asks me how it is I am silent,
Yet words pour from the pen in my hand.
But how am I to answer,
When he could never understand?
How am I to explain of a man,
Or, should I say, a boy.
Who showed me how to love,
And filled my heart with joy.
You were a boy of beauty.
You cared for me like a brother.
And in my heart I grew to believe;
You were like no other.
I thought we lived in a perfect world.
And what we had was love.
But you showed me I was never more wrong.
Because angels don't fall from above.
You made me think I was number one,
And no one else could compare.
But if that's the case,
I long to know why you aren't here?
Of course these are not things that should concern me now,
They're thoughts I should ignore.
Because I found someone who truly loves,
Who I wish I had known before.
I'm wasting my breath spitting out these words,
And tiring the strength in my arm.
But I want to scream out these feelings,
I want you to know you did me harm!
I'm tired of missing you, tired of crying,
Tired from the lack of sleep.
I found you, and grew to love you,
But you were just yet another person I couldn't keep.
You stepped aside and dropped your arms,
And stood there like a solid brick wall.
With my arms outstretched, searching for warmth,
But you moved and let me fall.
Your heart went cold with the seasons.
No words came from your mouth.
I wonder if it was my fault you died inside,
That I do not doubt.
But we had a place in the world,
The beginning, where we met.
We swore to meet back there someday,
But you probably already forget.
So it all came down to this m'dear:
I've decided to reopen my doors,
Because you left me frozen, dying inside,
Holding onto a love that's no longer yours.
2 June 2015
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