Four Letter Word

Hello again!

I know this is the second time for you guys to hear from me this month, but I've been eager to post again. I've been on a bit of a journey for the past forty-odd days, making my way to what I originally believed was a road to happiness.

I spoke about it in my last post; the challenge and the effects it has had on me so far. It was only last night I realised the challenge wasn't exactly about becoming happy. I am happy, innately, I just need to restore that within myself.

Soon enough I will be sharing my experience so far with my readers.. Basically, it's not all been about happiness. I don't wake up every morning and wave at the sky, shouting "Good morning, Sunshine!" No, that's unrealistic. Instead, I've been gradually stepping out of the darkness, into the light. I need to do this for myself.. I just need to acknowledge all of the tiny aspects that make up my life, and the effects they have on myself as a person, the people around me and my life overall.

It is a journey of self discovery, and it's certainly something I'd recommend to those who feel like giving up. It's deep, but no, it's in no way agonising. It's like a detox of all the bad that's been building up over whatever period of time. And it's certainly going to be worth it in the end.

Four Letter Word was written on Day #31, probably one of my most difficult days so far. And I was pretty proud with myself when I maintained a smile through out it all. I got to the close of day, and I realised I've been writing poetry based on events that have been happening over the past few months. I forgot that paradoxical twist I liked to put on my work.

Originally, this piece was a short dialogue I was hoping to use in a novel at some point. Knowing that won't be done anytime soon, I adapted the dialogue into a poem and viola! Four Letter Word came along.

I've been asked multiple questions about the poem already such as the common "is it about you?" question, and many more. In a way, yes it is. I mean, a hundred times a day I'm thinking and thinking about sentences and new material for poems. And it's only when I take a step back, I realise I encounter a million different types of experiences each day that are certainly the best material for poems.

Of course! Wanting someone to change their mind, and turn to you to say something you never expect them to say.. That's in us all. But no, it's not directly based on me myself.

What my readers must remember is that my poetry is fictitious, unless I specifically say it is not.

Four Letter Word

You were angry when you turned on your heel.
The fight was over and you were walking away.
It was just then she called out for you to "wait!",
One single thing you never expected she'd say.
You dare not face her,
Just in case she sees,
The tears that are swelling in your eyes,
And the shake that possesses your knees.
She opens up and she admits
How your last words cut her deep.
She thinks of how you want no more than friendship,
Each night while she cannot sleep.
She apologises repeatedly,
The words pour straight out from her heart.
She regrets the way that she left you,
And wishes ye had not grown apart.
Anger fills up fast inside you,
And makes it's way right to your mouth.
You ask her why she won't just let go.
She's taken aback by your shout.
Then, just as a child would,
She mumbles when she says:
It was fear that made her leave you,
And she'll regret it for the rest of her days.
You find this preposterous!
Why on Earth would she be scared?
"When" and "why" you then ask her,
And that's when she confesses she cared.
She wanted more than what you were to her.
She was searching for a soul mate,
Who would stand by her forever,
And face with her, her fate.
Your face changes when she says how
It was not a mutual thought.
You wanted nothing that she did,
And this hurt a lot.
So she explains how she left you,
Just before it was too late,
And adds that she is sorry
She has made such a state.
You are reluctant to believe her;
For how could her words be true?
She fell right into another's arms,
The second she left you!
And you speak of this disbelief,
You display all the anger you feel.
You empty your heart of it's agony,
As it's a wound you can no longer seal.
It's then she tells you she was foolish,
She believed these were feelings she could grow.
But this was a void that could not be filled by just anyone,
And there's something you must know.
As ye lock eyes for a single moment,
You cannot believe the words she has just said.
"I was wrong" she admits into the silence..
Or was that all just in your head?

22nd August 2016 // Day #31

Dedicated to Arturs Timofejevs