So I'm going to start the year off with an apology. I ended 2016 on a very grim note and I do apologise for that. But I would also like to explain why I did that. You see, 2016 was a rollercoaster of a year for me. While I had a great experience challenging myself to be happy to my full potential, I hit a few walls and found a few dark corners along the way. And I want to tell ye all about them.
Over the course of the year, I transitioned between a grey world, into some colour. And I started the happiness challenge, thinking it would automatically make me happy, but that was a silly thought. Happiness comes from within, no one is responsible for making you happy, only yourself. And I found that after some time, when the world seemed to be shutting doors and switching on the rain showers above me. I thought the happiness challenge was a complete flop and then, I woke up one morning and just realised I was wrong. I can't explain it, but I just felt content with myself.
I've come to find that in this world, no one is bothered to put their heart and soul into fixing your problems or helping you through, because ... Lets just face it, we're all tired of being unappreciated, and terrified that we won't be respected or, even, acknowledged. And this is how I found myself last year.. I just didn't have the energy for anyone. No one deserved my help or deserved my time.. And maybe most still don't, but I believe there are good people out there, and they deserve the effort.
At the beginning of December, I had a post written up in the drafts, titled 'King Arthur.' It was an individual poem that was not part of the Fictional Dependency series, and I completely scrapped it because it was rubbish. But, it was after I scrapped the poem that I realised what motivated me to write it, and I had to rewrite it.
When I was younger, I used to love the tale of the Knights of the Round Table and King Arthur pulling the sword from the stone. And the reason I loved it so much was because it distinctly distinguished right and wrong. Arthur was the rightful owner of the thrown, he gave light and joy to the world, and any usurper that wished to stand in his way, turned the world dark. I adapted this idea to emphasize my point. The world is dark, and good people bring light to it.
I would like to tell you all about a woman I knew once, her name was Jo. Jo had the world figured out. She came to terms with the fact that she wasn't going to see the world and it's wonders, she knew her knowledge and experiences would never be relayed to her children, she knew time was running out... And yet she was a light, in a dark room. She was an embodiment of happiness, with her homemade clothes and dark purple lips, Jo was life. Jo was one of the most inspirational people I will ever meet in my time, she was beautiful, in body and soul, and we all said goodbye to her in November 2016. She deserved so much better than this world, I hope she receives it in the next..x
I wrote so many different versions, I had to get it right. I started the Fictional Dependency series to capture all the reasons I truly believe the world needs to be fixed, and I have relayed personal issues into the mix as well..
Back in 2014, I got a photoframe as a gift on my final day of school. I really liked it but.. It sort of symbolised the fact that I didn't actually have anyone significant in my life that I could place in a frame with the word love written across the top. I thought about putting a photograph of my family in it, but never did so. Instead, I let the frame just sit there with the default image sitting inside it. The couple looked so happy, I was actually a little jealous of what they shared.
I made a silent promise to myself that I would leave them there until I could replace them with my own photograph of me and my significant other. And I kept that promise.. I placed a photograph of myself and Sean in the frame 2 years later. And it sat there for half a year.. And then it sat in a box under the bed...with all the other shattered pieces of our relationship..
And now it's back sitting on my window with the default couple. And they're still happy.. And I'm back to being jealous of what they share. Because the truth is, I still don't know what that feels like.
My point, out of all of this, is that I managed to do some form of loop over the past year. And I have found myself back here, with just myself. I see it more like a new beginning, than an ending.
Fictional Dependency - Part IV: King Arthur
She cleared her throat and told me,
What she thought you must now know.
Her voice was silenced, but her mind was still running,
And she's fearful that it may soon blow.
She chased down every government body,
She travelled the world and witnessed pain.
She caused a ruckus in a crowded place,
And then got thrown outside in the rain.
She asked me "who do we talk to, if not our superiors?
Who can help us, if not them?"
She found the answers, now she wants you to hear.
She said "here goes nothing, ahem.."
"No one can help us. No ones out there,
We're simply just stuck inside.
We can stand up and speak out, if you want to,
Or we can just keep silent and hide."
"This does not change with time," she continued,
"We must face our fears at some stage."
She hid away for so long now,
She has just filled herself up with rage.
She said she spoke to you for a long time,
And, instead of helping, you just sat still and observed.
She appreciated the attention you gave her,
But she thinks that's a little less than she deserved.
She needed your help, and you know that,
And now her rage is directed toward you.
She can't pretend she's not disappointed,
Because you were the one person she's ever known to be true.
Your heart was warm and loving,
Your exterior conveyed it well.
You're probably still the same person you were then,
But, for some reason, she can no longer tell.
And when the skies displayed it's colours,
And the air held so many voices,
She looked at her surroundings,
And she was fooled, just as others are, to think she had many choices.
She had none, she was trying to tell you!
She had no idea how to fix the world.
She tried her best and she wants you to know that,
But she's just one little girl.
For that reason, she completely gave up on hope,
And, all around her, the whole world turned grey.
From the outside, it was easier to see though,
The world looks different on display.
She said the world is crumbling all around us,
And she doesn't understand why no one gives a damn.
She has wondered ever since she found the answer,
If you've known all along, and that's how you're so calm?
She sees the world in a completely new light now.
No blend of colours stretch across her skies.
The air is silent, the voices have left her.
But she suddenly remembers the colour of your eyes.
She recalls the hazel she once got lost in,
And all of those days in the autumn air.
She doesn't know how she lost contact of them,
But she constantly wishes she could go back there.
And she has been frantic when she talks about
The reason she left you behind,
She was a dreamer, who was foolish
To think there was so many better things out there to find.
Because all she found were contradictions.
The world is just a massive kingdom of pain.
It broke her heart when she tried to fix it,
And now she's left with heartache she cannot contain.
The answer was sorer than the lies we are taught.
The grey and the silence have left her cold.
She sees no point in going ahead now.
I'm just telling you what I was told.
You gave her strength when she was weak.
You gave her reasons to dream.
You made her innately happy.
You fixed her fabrics when they tore at the seam.
You taught her love in a damaged world.
You picked her up when she fell down.
You are the person who made her who she is.
Now all that's missing is her crown.
She has sat you on the top of the world.
She looks up to you on your height.
You were the reason she got out of bed in the morning,
And the last thing she thought about at night.
The beautiful butterflies that once danced inside her belly,
Have become moths, eating away at the fabrics of her soul.
She wanted so much to hold on to you forever,
But then the springtime came, and the world took back control.
Will you bring the colour back into her world,
And show her proof that she is wrong?
The world may try to defeat us, but we are our only superiors!
And you have known it all along..
Dedicated to Arturs Timofejevs
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