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Shadows

Happy April guys!

I wrote this next one within a matter of minutes, which I note for the purpose of what's coming next.

Within a matter of minutes, life can change drastically. You can meet someone's eyes and your souls can tangle, two hands can touch and a relationship can get defined, doors can close, tears can well up, food can burn, the clouds can change.. Your mind could change..

I wrote this on what would have been mine and Sean's 2nd anniversary. And although I am very aware that it's over between us, sometimes things fall apart and I find myself backtracking. No matter where life brings me, I find myself missing the person I thought he was.

That being said, this poem isn't about him. In fact, it's about a lot of people, and no one in particular. You see, when people say they fall in love, I often wonder if they know what they're talking about. I mean, how do they know? Is it those butterflies in their tummy? Or the smile that creeps on their face? .. These things fade as easily as the Summer sunshine in Ireland.

I love people fairly easily.. And I know I do, when I find myself listening happily and intently to their voice, just in case their words somehow slip away from me, and I bask in their smell, absorbing it and keeping it there for when we part.. I hold on a little tighter than I know I should, fearing it may be the last time I get a look in behind temple walls.

The story behind this poem is simple: within each moment that I progress, and those who have left me grow more distant in space and by heart, I begin to love them a little less. And with this, I regain my ability to feel anything other than unrequited love, heartache, inadequacy, abandonement.. and all else that's associated with being left behind.

I don't have a dedication, but this was inspired by a new friend of mine, Gregory Kelleher. Besides the actual meaning behind the poem, the poem was inspired by a series of events. One which included Gregory.

At the beginning of April I finished up my first job. I was working as a teaching assistant with Gregory on Saturday mornings for an organisation called CTYI. To skip the nitty gritty, it turned out that Gregory had a genuine interest in poetry, and we found ourselves reciting 'Aedh Wishes for the Clothes of Heaven' by W. B. Yeats. Honestly, for me it was a milestone in my life! When you're a child, you stare up to the stars in the night sky, and you feel that feeling of enchantment, you know the feeling surely? And that was the feeling I got just standing there in a place I knew all so well.

The room transformed, and something inside me clicked.

You see, I surround myself with people who aren't anything even remotely similar to myself. And I always find myself feeling like a fish in a jungle. The ocean's somewhere out there between the trees. But I have no legs, and must wait for the rain to carry me there.

It'll happen eventually!

But what clicked there and then was the ability to understand what it was that I wanted in life. And that's understanding and mutual love. I think they're things all people want. But I didn't realise I crave it this much. I would love to have a best friend, someone who loves the same things as me, someone to share my pleasantries with. Someone to complete me and be completed by me..

The other things that inspired this poem was Pablo Neruda's poem "If You Forget Me". The reason for this is the writing style. When I was first starting off in my writing, I actually wanted to write similar to him. I liked the calm atmosphere of his work, and the weight of his words. I also enjoyed having to think about his sentences and grab an understanding of his words: the emotion he must be feeling and the story that's provoked the pen to his hand.

And the last thing that inspired Shadows is from my personal experience. I know what it feels like to have someone you love become a shadow at your back.. And the world you've become accustomed to, filled with their voice, their laugh, their vibe and their smell, fade away..

All within a matter of a few minutes.

Shadows

If, day by day, your smell fades,
And the distance between us grows
Larger and larger:
At least then I'll accept you've left me.

And if, with each minute, the sound of your voice
Stops echoing in my ears;
Your ego and it's reflection, pouring upon my world:
At least I will regain the ability to see.

If each moment of our relationship
Slips away, from beauty and truth,
To the lies that I now know:
At least it will be over for real.

And if with each day I stop loving you;
I stop yearning your hands, your arms and shadow,
Syncing with mine, in the light:
And least then I will truly feel.

8-April-2017

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