Happy December guys!

I'm sorry it has been so long since I've posted anything new. I was in a bit of a slump.

Apologies seem to be a theme I've got going on recently, I've dished out quite a lot of them - it's exhausting. I've been so busy, I've lost track of quite a number of aspects of my life, and people..a lot of people. But I didn't forget you guys.

This month, I've written the next part to the Fictional Dependency series. I thought I had reached the finale of the series with Breaking the Fourth Wall, but then I realised I just opened a door..and left everything in an ambiguous way.

Originally, I couldn't visualize a direction for the series. I honestly entered into it blindly. But now, having made reference to my actual circumstances - my reality - I know exactly where I'm headed.

You see, sometimes things just don't work. Sometimes there's no reason people part, it's just fate.

I completed the bulk of the poem on November 18th this year, which marked the 6th anniversary of a loved one's death. And with the sadness that day brought, I was pulled back to the place I need to be to write poems. Sadness...Frustration...Confusion. Writing hurts, it pulls on the threads of my interiors and drives a bulldozer to my walls.

But behind it all, once the words get said, I realise how much fakery I allow myself to pour out during my day-to-days. I see that I need to pretend, just to get through.

The situation I'm referring to in the poem is a real-life scenario. But there is a part I haven't included. Sparing the in-depth details, I turned to a girl whom I've known for enough time, and I said "He told me I'm beautiful .. He believes I can change the world."

And she said "Girl, you should already know you're beautiful without him telling you. You can change the world - You can. I believe it!"

She was drunk - but her words were clear. And I don't know why, but I felt more whole than I've ever felt, despite losing a piece of myself, permanently, just moments before.

That piece of me was hope, wishful thinking, strength, belief, faith.. Love. In it's purity. I held on to those words for so long and then I just felt empty once they were said. And his response, oh - it was the moon and stars. Maybe more.

But to my left, was the past few months. The months I've been absent. The months - I haven't been posting, I haven't been writing. To my left, was a whole new adventure.. my best friend. The man who accepts my broken heart and is trying to glue all the pieces back together.. without truly knowing it. The person who pulls me out of that place I need to go to write poems.

Anisotropy is a reflection of my reality - but it's only part. Which is my point. I wrote this one with a struggle. Honestly, I was emotional, taking in the finality of his words, and his smile. But, like I said, sometimes things don't work. And we can only accept that.

So for me, and for the girl who roams the world within Fictional Dependency, another era has begun.

"Anisotropy is the state of being directionally dependent. The property of being anisotropic and having a different value when measured in different directions."
~ http://planetfacts.org/anisotropy/

Fictional Dependency - Part VI: Anisotropy

Crunching into my apple, my hands are sticky.
Passing the gate as I walk. The footpath ends.
The leaves are falling around me, withered.
I’m a stranger to each passer-by, I have yet to make some friends.

I remove my shoes and my jacket. The same routine.
Anime, water, and temptations. You crossed a boundary.
If you take anything from this, let it be the truth.
I never came back. I never had a key.

Milestones, and road-markers, passed.
Expectations and exceptions. People are mostly bad.
Your comforting arms are closing. Not around me.
Confusion sets in. Then frustration. Then.. I’m just sad.

I lose the enchantment I feel below the stars.
Oblivion crawls into the trenches that form in my mind.
Settling for intoxicated mistreatment.
And you hold me together, by simply being kind.

Potentially significant moments, taken away,
Memories that cannot be recreated.
You’re proud of me. You are proud of me..
Regret. I’m back to being frustrated.

Abandoned, in a matter of words.
Another weekend, but a little different to the ones that have passed.
Frustration turns to loneliness. Or, enlightenment, maybe.
To the world, I become unmasked.

And still, nothing. Another shows up.
We sit in cafés for hours, as he expels a love he cannot imagine.
Not for me. I have mine. Just not in the way I want.
A piece of me shatters with his words. Again.

Your distance is a substantial space.
Your hands, and your mind, unreachable to me. Protected.
3am, I stare into the imperfections in the concrete wall.
Self-sabotage. Self-destructive. Defected.

And you talk about happiness.
You talk about hope for it’s arrival some day.
You embrace me in the dark of the bus.
For me, that day is today.

Take my words into your drunken mind.
We escape the boundaries our reality impose.
I confess my heart and soul. I apologise. I tell only the truth.
You’re modest in our moment, you smile your wide smile, turn away as you crinkle your nose.

And under your arm I just know.
“You’re a good girl”, you say with fingers wrapped loosely around my ear.
Oh those hazel eyes... The Autumn air, water, apples, anime, warmth, comfortable silence..
You bring me right back here.

And to be sorry is an understatement.
My reality is not the one I want, deep down.
Meeting your eyes once again has given me proof,
I wish I stayed. I wish you were still around.

Your words will wither just like those Autumn leaves.
Days will pass, and years too.
That footpath will not be the only path to end,
Making my way to you.

But when the details have fallen away,
I want you to be sure of what I seen in you.
You were the belief that kept me standing,
You were the strength that got me through.

You give the stars their magic.
You have enchanted me since day one.
You were proud of me when the world turned its back.
You restored faith in me, when I had none.

You're beautiful, in every sense of the word.
And your love is something I never truly deserved.
The complication was with myself,
I was difficult: awkward and reserved.

If you opened your arms to accept me, right this moment,
I would fall into them without thought.
Because no one else in this entire world,
Can replace the happiness you once brought.

So this is my apology.
Take my truths into your beautiful soul.
I can never iterate how sorry I am,
To have allowed the world to take back control.

I've fought myself, internally.
And, you know, I'm not quite sure who won.
But the answer I reached, from the bottom of my being,
Is that you are at my epicentre. You have been since day one.

You plant a kiss on my cheek, and you give me a smile.
The kind that could heal wounds, and make time bend.
You're getting to your feet. You're leaving.
Reality is hitting, but I'm struggling to pretend.

Your heart holds no badness. You're only pure.
All you wish for me is happiness, during the rest of my days.
"You can change the world", you said before planting your lips to my cheek.
And I smiled back at you, sadly, before we finally parted ways.

2 December 2017

Dedicated to Arturs Timofejevs