This next one seems a little ominous, I'm aware. But I have an explanation. I'll start by telling you it's origin.
I was watching a movie called "All I See is You" and I heard a song called "In Our Dreams" by Blake Lively. I listened to it on repeat for almost two hours while I pulled open my laptop and just wrote, I didn't have a story topic in mind, I was just whisked away by the melody and the story of the movie. It was just a familiar feeling that washed over me, inspiration and emotion. The food for my writing.
Behind the words of the poem, however, is something I have been sitting on for a few weeks. I remember a quote I seen on Instagram that read "Be the person you needed when you were younger" and I recall feeling an intense rush of inspiration from it.. It was a jackpot topic for a poem. But it never came.
When I was younger, I dreamed of being a woman of the world, inspirational and memorable. I wanted to meet all kinds of people, see all kinds of beautiful places and find innate happiness. All while maintaining a wonderful attitude and being a person people loved and enjoyed being in company with. I never took into account the pain I would face, the rejections, the ends of friendships, the deaths of loved ones, or the destruction I'd aim at myself.
In my dreamer mind, I was not set up for the real world.
But reality hit me at the most memorable part of my childhood. It was the day of my accident, when I damaged my liver. I'm not sure if I have spoke openly about this before, but it was a fairly traumatic event that I decided I would hide away for a long time. Many of my friends are still unaware of the true reasons I don't drink alcohol, I hate being poked in the ribs, I'm happy with my weight now, I won't dye my hair..and so on.
For me, it was that moment that stayed with me. The moment directly after impact, when I found myself on the ground, face-to-face with the instructor who tried to help me breathe. I had my legs up close to my chest, attempting to shield myself from the damage, but it was already too late. And my hands were holding on to the instructors arms, tight, my nails stabbing him in ten separate places. Death-gripped.
It has been eight years since that moment, and with each passing year, I'm understanding the extent of that impact was more than just physical. Without that moment, I may not have stayed on track of my dreams, I may not have held on the person I was. I may never came to understand how wonderful my vision for my future was. I may never have learned how to hold on.
But most importantly, I may never have recalled the person I needed when I was younger. The person who would join me in my silence, wrap arms around my soul and warm that cold part of my heart. I needed someone who could love me unconditionally, encourage my faith, make me feel safe and support my dreams. I needed someone who would provoke my innate happiness.
And it is those qualities of life: the pain, rejections, ends, deaths and self-destruction that assisted me in better understanding why I didn't have that person as a child.
Death Grip
Hold on to your dreams, my darling.
I know things have not been as you imagined.
Think of tables overturning,
Steel-topped boots stomping.
Think of feathers flowing in the draught,
The whispers, circulating the halls.
Think of home,
And the answers you found.
Hold on to the joy, my love.
That fell on your shoulders,
Just as your hair, those beautiful curls,
And that red dress,
Flowing to your knees.
Think of that smile and every other that followed.
Hold on to the hope you had, my dear.
You held on for so long already.
Think about the days that are coming,
The sunrises at dawn,
The sunsets at dusk.
Think of the pavements you have yet to set foot upon,
And the eyes you have yet to meet.
Hold on to the person you were, my heart.
The person you now need most.
Think of the fear that shook your breathe,
The frost that froze your toes,
And the tears that fell from those blue, blue eyes.
Think of the promises you swore in secrecy,
Those weighted words,
Those truths.
Hold on to the faith you keep deep down, sweetheart.
It will get you through the darkest hours.
Think of the lights that have been extinguished,
The ashes that have been poured back to the Earth.
Think of the love that you aim up to the sky,
The unrequited warmth you send to the world,
Think about moving forward.
Think about how far you've moved since.
Hold on to the words you heard before,
The ones that still bounce around within.
Think about the essence of their details,
The lips they fell out of,
The way they made you feel.
Think about those words when you're moving,
Build a home for them within,
Visit from time to time.
And hold on to all the reasons why.
Hold on as tight as you can.
Keep them locked up in your fortress,
Away from the world outside.
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