Look. I know it's strange to come back after all this time with something so...unusual. However, this has to be one of my most powerful poems, and I wanted to post it. I want it to see the light of day!!
Backstory alert. I wrote this one shortly after someone I knew died. I make it my mission in life to separate myself from people who cause me any sort of sadness or grief. There are not many people that bring me comfort or happiness, though, which is something I struggle a lot with, however that is a separate issue, and I mention it because what I'm saying can be construed differently than how I intend. The person that died was so awful, he was someone that struggled with alcoholism and acted inappropriate to me when I was a young girl. My struggle was the fear. I feared him, I feared walking past his house, which was a problem because I needed to walk by his house to come and go through my home village.
When he died, I realised I had been holding my breath for a long time, and I could finally exhale. As the type of person I am, I would have buried that and tried to pretend that wasn't true. I'm sorry that he struggled, and I'm sorry that no one helped. No one could help.
But when he died, and I came up for air, I had a lot of pent up anger toward him and expressed this privately in this poem.
The notebook I wrote it in contained random chore lists and PowerShell scripts I was learning for work, and so it ended up going into the press, then fell behind the shelf and was lost. That was until I found it randomly one day and rediscovered the poem.
It's interesting what time can do for your emotions, when you have the ability to absorb the feelings and properly think it through. That anger feels like a lifetime ago, and I recognise the struggle he went through and the confusion I felt as a young girl. I see it clearly and I have completely disassociated with that grief and fear. It's a great feeling. With that said, I will never forget it, and when I read back over the words in this poem, I feel like I can relate to the writer, and all at once feel understood and not so alone in the world. I have explained it as best I can, but it is still not enough.
I can't bring myself to title it properly, but I hope you find what you need from it. X
Crawling darkly into this
ever-growing hole
This darkness
This darkened adventure
Turning a blind eye to the
halo
Glowing atop an angel
In effervescent gradients
And you tore my confidence from my billow
Ripped the hope out of my step
Stomped the fear into my backbone
Slipped the poison into my flow
Ticking and tocking into my rearview
Dangling right behind my eyes
You stalked my brainstems in hibernation
You dirtied the path upon I walked
And for what?
Your helplessness, your nightmares
Spread like wildfire to your extensions
Echoing forever outside your pit.
31 May 19
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